I Promised (Part Two)

And we bring you the thrilling conclusion to the saga of Harold and The Andrews Sisters

I Promised (Part One)

Meredith had her heart set on this being on the internet SOMEWHERE.

This is what happens when there is a sleepover, a webcam, and special effects that must be tried out.

The Story

The Setting:
After Work--Walmart--Frozen Food Aisle


A young(ish) woman stands pondering the frozen treats section wishing she wasn't at Walmart at all, but knowing she has to be there because her 9 year old niece actually took the time to email her AT WORK to make sure she was planning on buying "break and bake" cookies for their sleepover the following night.

Youngish Woman: (stares at ice cream)

Short Creepy Dude: (walks by....stops...doubles back)

Youngish Woman: (sees short creepy dude out of the corner of her eye and really hopes that all the sudden staring means he's really really into frozen dairy products)

Short Creepy Dude: (walks up, walks around the back of youngish woman, and grins)

Youngish Woman: (internally sighs and stares intently at the ice cream as if the label on Chunky Monkey is going to reveal all of life's mysteries to her)

Short Creepy Dude: "Hello, Lady."

Youngish Woman: (can't help but immediately think of Andre the Giant's character in The Princess Bride even though the guy that is talking to her must be 5'2" at best)

Short Creepy Dude: "Do you live here in this city?"

Youngish Woman: (still not talking, but nods slightly and tries to figure out if she has ever heard that kind of accent before)

Short Creepy Dude: (smiles) "I admire your beauty."

Youngish Woman: "Uh, thanks" (cause really-- no matter how creepy the dude is, how can you not say thanks to THAT?)

Short Creepy Dude: (visibly encouraged by actual words) "So, do you live here?"

Youngish Woman: (nods without looking away from the ice cream and wonders why this guy's gums are so, so red...that can't be healthy.)

Short Creepy Dude: "Where do you live? Around here? Where?" (looks around as if he is going to suddenly see her house revealed in all it's glory)

Youngish Woman: (sees no recourse but to tell a very obvious lie) "I live over there with my husband." (points with her ringless left hand towards the general direction of the pharmacy section)

Short Creepy Dude: (loses his grin for the first time and nods.....stands there for a minute and then finally walks off)

A Suggestion

There seems to be an epidemic of people at my condo complex buying a certain unfortunate product. And this might seem ungracious, but with my birthday coming up, I just want to take the time to put a thought out in the universe:

There is not now, nor will there ever be in the future, a point at which I want to be given any sort of WIND CHIME. I mean, maybe if you live in the most serene and still place on the planet with only the occasional breeze to blow through them gently so that they emit a nice tune, I could see the potential.

But this is OKLAHOMA. We have gale force winds MOST OF THE TIME. If you hang up a WIND CHIME on your porch, it is basically the equivalent of hiring a Salvation Army Bell Ringer to stand outside your front door who will never give up on getting your spare change and will forever be ringing his bell. Loudly.

Personality Test Extravaganza

So, I just found an old blog entry where I took the "Ultimate Personality Test" 5 years ago. Turns out? Not that much has changed. Here's the same old result as last time:

A SEER
You are exactly what your name implies. You see what other people miss. You are the intellectual of the personality types as well as the philosopher. You possess a cool and rational nature and take things in stride. You are concerned with the "big picture" and always know what is going on. You know people better than they know themselves and it makes them nervous sometimes. You know exactly what people don't want you to know about them, but fortunately you are a pacifist and don't (usually) use it against them. But take care not to get to detached through the lens of that powerful microscope of yours. You can be a little cool towards people and you sometimes need to remember that you have a heart as well as a brain.


A little good a little bad I guess?

All The Single Ladies

The other day I was thinking that this is the first year I am truly, truly happy to not have a date for Valentine's Day. (Long story. Not going into it.) Anyhoo-- that got me to thinking about the OTHER things I like about being single. And though we've covered some of this before, I thought what better way to celebrate the 14th of February than to give a shout out (yeah, that's right-- I said SHOUT OUT. Deal with it) to all my single friends and remind them (and me) of many of the lovely things about our lives as they are RIGHT NOW.

And so, may I present to you my list of awesome things about being single:

1. You don't share your remote control with anyone

2. You can sleep on any side of your bed that you want

3. You can spend $80 on a haircut and not have to explain it to ANYONE

4. You have complete control over your thermostat

5. You can go to NBA games and talk about the relative hotness of various players and not worry about insulting anyone. (Not that I've EVER done this, mind you)

6. You can decide to go on trips wherever you want and not worry about anyone else feeling "left out"

7. When you are tired and cranky and have had a horrible day, you can go home to a completely silent house and not have to talk to anyone if you don't want to

8. You don't have to worry about anyone drinking the rest of the Dr. Pepper you have sitting in the fridge

9. You can flirt with security guards to try and get special treatment without offending anyone (again, not that I have ever done that...)

10. There is no one to tell you that you really need to balance your checkbook so they know how much money is left in the account

11. You can cut your hair as short as you want

12. You don't have to wash anyone's underwear but your own

13. You have no in-laws (for better OR for worse)

14. You can spend every last holiday wherever you please

15. You don't have to pay for the extra ESPN tier on your digital cable package

16. There is no one to judge how much you may or may not pay for your hair products

17. You can let your Dad pay for dinner without hurting anyone's ego (assuming you don't have one of your own, anyway. I won't lie-- I do this one every time I am home. Thanks Dad!)

18. There is no one to wonder why you need to own 10 scarves

19. If you are a blanket hog, it impacts exactly NO ONE

20. NO SNORING


I'm sure's there are more-- but that's what I've got off the top of my head.

Happy Single Liberation Day Ladies!!

The Great Debate: South American Dictator vs Radio DJ

Question: Which would be worse? Being married to a South American Dictator OR Being married to a Radio DJ?


*South American Dictator

Pro:

1. I would never have to hear my husband complain about the people at work who are treating him badly (off with their heads!)

2. One presumes that I would have many, many pairs of shoes (and not the Payless kind)

3. All of my cars would have tinted windows and bullet proof glass (that's right, HUMMER, I'm looking at you!)

4. I would have control over everything that aired on the television

5. I would never have to do my taxes


Con

1. I would likely be married to a man with a mustache

2. Having a husband who executes people makes it hard to make new friends (or keep old ones, for that matter)

3. Travel options would be limited (since you never know when a coup might just erupt)

4. All of my cars would NEED to be bullet proof

5. My husband would probably be shorter than me since dictators tend to be TINY little men.



Radio DJ


Pro:

1. Free Music and Concerts

2. Uhm.....yeah. Free music and concerts are pretty much all I've got


Con:

1. I'd be married to someone who gets paid to listen to themselves talk. ALL DAY.

2. How can you successfully argue with someone who is using that stupid ANNOUNCER voice that makes it sound like people are winking and shooting finger guns at you even when they are doing nothing but telling you that you should have unloaded the dishwasher?

3. I'd end up with a garage full of stupid Coke koozies with Z100!! HOME OF THE HARD ROCKING 80's! or some other stupid logo on it. (And no one would ever buy them in my garage sales)

4. What if he was a DJ for a hardcore down-home country station and the only free music I ended up with was a Merle Haggard Greatest Hits CD?

5. Or worse, what if he's a DJ for a hardcore rap station and my husband spends his day playing songs like "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp"?




So......VERDICT anyone??

A Dilemma

Today (while in a conversation about it) someone asked me if I have ever considered liposuction-- and I was torn between feeling insulted that they thought I needed it and flattered that they thought I could afford it.

I went with flattered.

Hmmm.....

Today I flirted with someone by accusing him of killing butterflies.

On an unrelated note-- anyone wonder why I'm still single?

Either/Or

There is sometimes a rather large difference between how I'd like to see my personality and the reality of how I actually am......

Example #1

The Delusion: I am an enigma

The Reality: I will only succeed in being mysterious when and if I ever learn to quit telling people stories about the stupid things I do.


Example #2

The Delusion: Somewhere deep inside me I have the capability of getting organized and staying that way

The Reality: Being organized is totally tedious and I would much rather watch episodes of Supernatural on my DVR


Example #3

The Delusion: I'm a person who makes To-Do lists and then promptly gets things done

The Reality: I'm a person who makes To-Do lists but is sure to include a few things I've already done so I can cross them off and get credit for what I did BEFORE I made the list (even though no one but me will ever see it)


Example #4


The Delusion: I pack at the last minute for trips because I am a terribly busy and important person

The Reality: I pack at the last minute for trips because reading just one more chapter of my library book is way more entertaining than deciding how many cardigans to take to China.



Example #5


The Delusion: People (like me) who procrastinate only do so because they are masters of time management and just don't need as long as everyone else to get things done.


The Reality: People (like me) who procrastinate don't really worry about figuring out WHY they procrastinate because there is PLENTY of time to figure that out later.

Whoops

So today while I was walking down the hall at work I had a brilliant idea for the perfect blog post. It was pithy and interesting and vague-- perfect food for thought. Of course, by the time I got back to my desk, I had completely forgotten the whole thing.

And that's my problem with blogging. I don't have kids to tell funny stories about (though I do occasionally borrow my nieces and nephews), I don't have interesting hobbies to make a "theme" blog about (aka COUPON!Lady or COOKINGLady! or LEARNINGFOREIGNLANGUAGESLady!), and half the time there are things I could write LOOONG blogs about-- but I can't because I don't know who might read this blog.

And that means, no talking about:

1. Boys
2. Work
3. What I really think about 60% of what happens


You can see why blogging regularly might be a problem.