10 Things Not To Get Me For Christmas

10. A fur coat. (It's not so much an animal rights thing as it is a I've never seen anyone wear one and not look like they are trying to be an German Countess thing)

9. A personalized license plate. (If you have to ask why-- then you probably don't know me well enough to buy me a present in the first place)

8. Wonder Woman Underoos (Any member of my family would be thrilled to explain this one to you as it's almost a Christmas tradition in our household. First we have the hershey kiss countdown and then we have the telling of the time Sarah cried)

7. Cabbage Patch Kid Bunk Beds (I know you wouldn't want to duplicate something I already have! Of course, I never got to use them as my parents broke them on Christmas Day only to never get them fixed, but the ensuing 18 years or so have clearly erased the bitterness from my mind)

6. A Nose Flute (Sadly, I already have one of these as well. What can I say? Even "santa" gets a little desperate every now and then)

5. "A.L.F." on DVD

4. Any movie or books about fiesty old people. (I don't know who decided that making up stories involving cranky people past their prime was a great method for entertaning the masses, but you owe me 2 hours of my life back for "Driving Miss Daisy"-- and even though I never saw "Grumpy Old Men" or the classic, "Grumpier Old Men" I feel you owe me something for them as well....mostly just for the fact that they exist.)

3. No theme purses. (The rare person other than me can pull it off. However, I am not one of those people-- nor do I have any interest in being one of those people)

2. An ice cream scoop (OK, this one isn't really true. At this stage in my life, it would be great to get a new ice cream scoop. But I mostly just brought it up to point out that someone gave me an Ice Cream Scoop for my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION. What kind of thought process went into this? "OK, let's see.....she's 18, she's going off to college, what can we get her that will really send her on her way towards success?" Unless of course the goal was to send me on to success in gaining the "freshman 15" -- then I will have to say: Job well done, sir!)

1. Dating/Relationship Manuals of any kind. (I don't care if it's "Sole-Searching: The Art of Judging Men by Their Shoes" or "Almost Three Decades Alone! Do You Feel Like a Failure Yet?" or even "He's Just Not That Into You-- Yeah You. Hey! You! I Really Do Mean YOU!", do us all a favor and leave it on the shelf)

drabbles

I have a million different notebooks with a million different scribbles in them. I'm always finding old ones whose existence I've completely forgotten about shoved under my bed, stuffed into a drawer or crammed in between two books on my book shelf. And just for good measure, there are usually loose pages scattered in the mix as well.

I love finding these notebooks-- because it almost always means I'm going to find a "ramble" that I've completely forgotten that I'd written. It has occurred to me more than once in the past that if I died in the near future (and my preoccupation since childhood with planning my funeral is another topic for another day), whoever cleans out my room is going to get an eyeful-- especially if they don't know that not everything they read is fact. Rants about frustrations lay side by side with abandoned stories. It's the muddle of my brain.

For example, here's something I found on a scrap of paper in my desk today:


When I was 10, I couldn't wait to be a grown up. Being a grown up meant wearing clicky shoes whenever you wanted, wearing your Sunday dress all day because you were old enough not to mess it up. It meant my brother and sister not bossing me around anymore. At least that's what I thought it would be about. The funny thing is, now when I wear clicky shoes at work I wish they wouldn't make so much noise in the hall. I can't wait to get my "Sunday" clothes off when I get home, and my brother and sister still occasionally boss me around.

It's funny how we don't even know what the right things to look forward to are.


I don't remember what even prompted those thoughts....or why they are on a random slip of paper. Chances are I scribbled them while waiting for Bobby at IHOP one night or sitting in the courtyard during my lunch hour when Susan and Jessie weren't there.

They are the random thoughts that anyone has a million of as the day goes by. Don't ask me why I feel the need to record the snapshots of opinion that appear in my brain. But I'm sure I've written about it somewhere.

All I Want For Christmas

Ah, Christmas.

There are many, many glamorous aspects to the Christmas season if you are a career gal like myself. I've been really into lists lately, so inspired by a truly fabulous episode of The Office and a personal office that is perhaps unparalleled in holiday cheer-- I've decided to make a list of my favorite things about work during Christmas

*First on my list has got to be seasonal clothing of any kind.
Now, there are some amateurs out there who may think they are being festive with their red sweaters and green slacks. But to those people I pose these questions: Where is your battery operated sweatshirt? Where are your jingle bell socks? Did you honestly think that winter boots would suffice when there are Santa slippers out there to be had? And what are those gold bead earrings in your ears? A true aficionado would know where to find her Christmas light earrings that play "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas". Who do you think you are fooling? Until your office literally has a seasonal clothing swap meet, I defy you to prove your holiday dressing credentials.

*Dirty Santa.
I'm not sure which memory I prefer. The gangland-like enforcement of the $15 spending rule, or the middle school peer pressure involved in helping people trade out of presents they don't want. I mean, on the one hand you have an astonishing ability to track down "secret" gift givers and demand receipts to prove that they stayed within the limits of "enough to impress people but not enough to make them jealous and petty". But on the other hand, you have the beautiful subtlety involved in middle aged women attempting to engage in reverse psychology and/or emotional manipulation in order to keep the crystal special-edition Hallmark ornament they just opened, or to try and rid themselves of the stigma of having opened the weird candle someone (who shall remain nameless and can be a little scatterbrained occasionally but is still highly lovable) brought.

*Office Party Entertainment
Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy famous people's siblings who may or may not be able to sing as much as the next gal, but when they tell us funny stories about their unwed, pregnant, teenage daughter and find a way to use it as a transition into Oh Holy Night.....well, you just have to admire craftsmanship. But if pitchy, never famous country singers aren't your bag of tea-- there are always insane musicians who can not only play the piano while clearly possessed-- but also chuck food at audience members. If that doesn't get your holiday going, I'm not sure what will.

Hm........

Seer


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Little Things That I Love (in other words, a post that interests no one but me)

*Tukey Bacon

*Josie's questions

*Previews

*Club Crackers

*Eli's explanations

*When the road is so wet that it takes on the exact color of the sky

*DVR

*Anna singing along to the radio

*The yarn aisle at Hobby Lobby

*Green Apple Extra Gum

*Meredith's Pentacostal leanings

*Scarfs

*The Office

*TWOP recaps

*Full Moons that remind me of Sara Bo

*Flip Flops