"We all have our little faults. Mine's in California."

If you have ever wondered why some women like super hero movies so much, you need look no further than the closest male in her life. You see, super hero movies just reinforce the notion that maybe just maybe there really IS a good reason that man in your life always flakes out on you. He really truly doesn't want to let you down time after time, but he has to save the world you see. And it isn't that they don't know what they want. ... it's that the fate of the planet prevents them from having it.

We really like believing that the only reason you would ever stand us up is to save a bus of school children from a meteorite that is speeding to earth. It's not that you got a better offer from one of your friends. It's not that you decided to stay home and have some quality time with your playstation. And of course, you only give us these sad excuses because you can't tell us what you are really doing. That would be giving up your secret identity.


Who wouldn’t rather believe that that it’s Batman disappointing them rather than Apathyman?

I'm a Gotham City DA, Let Me Pass!

So it's an interesting phenomenon when the people you love think that your affection for them gives them permission to be rude.

Some people use the excuse of humor. Some people use the excuse of concern. Some people use the excuse of love. And the rare, honest ones don't use an excuse at all.

I've always preferred honesty. But not everyone does.

My Dad says I like to shock people with blunt words. I think that might be true, but not for the reasons he thinks. It's not the cheap thrill of a shocked expression that I like (though it can be occasionally fun). I'm more intrigued that people are often shocked by truth. Not cruel truths or even brutal ones...but simple, calm, every day truths can make people squirm like the Inquisition. And that fascinates and saddens me all at the same time.

I don't like it when people hide their frustration with pointed jokes and innuendo. I don't like it when people hide their sadness with bright and brittle cheerfulness. I don't like it when people sacrifice themselves to the clamoring masses in order to hide their loneliness. I don't like it when people are crude in order to hide their own confusion and dismay.

I like myself least when I go for the cheap laugh at the expense of someone I love. When I see the smile on their face but the hurt in their eye-- that's when I know I just sold a little of myself away for something that won't last. I do it all the time. It's not premeditated. More often than not, it's completely thoughtless. And that's what makes it worse. Something you do without thinking is more a part of you than a thousand planned insults could ever be.

Life stays the same until it doesn't.

Mt. Rushmore

A friend asked me today why weird things always seem to happen when I'm around. I don't think I really have a good answer for that. I mean, I've heard the rumor that I, myself, am not the most normal apple in the bunch (wait-- apples don't come in bunches....should I have said barrel there? Cause I don't think that people really say "the most normal grape in the bunch".....of course they could and it would be just as valid. I like grapes.)

Anyway, I don't know that I think weird things happen to me more than anyone else. Ok, that's a lie. I don't know anyone else who has been forced by the state of Kansas to cut the windshield out of their car. I only know four other people that have ever gotten lost in a an underground labyrinth in Germany. But those are just the four people that were with me, so I'm not sure they count. And there is the letter I got from the lonely felon who saw my address in a church bulletin--- but I don't think my weirdness attractors could have worked through a piece of paper...right?

Now, I know what you're thinking. Yes, my car was stolen from below my bedroom window by a ring of Russian Car thieves. And it's true that when the police found my car we realized they took all of my CDs except for Natalie Merchant. But that's not weird so much as unfortunate. There is the incident of me accidentally telling my Irish soul mate that I have a boyfriend but that was more stupidity than weirdness (of course the fact that his friends were wearing plastic face masks of Irish politicians did add a certain odd flair to the talk....)

And you know, my first night in Europe when I was 17 did entail getting followed by a gang of drunken men down a Parisian street at midnight...but it also involved a very nice man in a suit with a baby who scared the drunkards off and found a nice Jamaican woman to walk me and my friend back to our hotel. And my teacher did get arrested (while I had all of his money and his passport) on our trip to Greece the next summer for jumping into a fountain, but that was him-- not me. I didn't get "arrested" until two years later-- and that was in Slovakia not Greece. And the only reason I was there in the first place was to get free refills at the Little Caesar's in Brataslava. They didn't have that in Vienna. What? It made perfect sense at the time.

And now that I've reread this, I'm impressed anyone is willing to go anywhere with me at all.

I sometimes wonder if anyone in the world is as happy as they seem to be. We spend years comparing our lives to the lives of the people around us without realizing that what we really might be doing is comparing performances.

Every now and then we get a peak at the mania or insecurity or desperation buried in each other, but instead of grasping the view for what it is, we turn away embarrassed. As if it's better to see paintings of someone's soul instead of windows into it.

Why are so many people afraid of living genuine lives? Why are so many of us afraid of telling people what we really think and feel and want? Is it because we are still figuring out a way to be honest about what we see in the mirror and hold in our hearts? I honestly don't know. But when you think about how many lives have been completely spent in the pursuit of a phantom happiness that never seems to materialize it can get a little overwhelming.

Gush vs Mush

There are millions of GUYS in the world.

Yes, Yes I know. I'm quite the one with original thoughts. But don't get blown away yet. There's more to come from this mind that is nothing short of a steel trap. (even if it does sometimes pretend to be a steel trap that sitting on the floor of a marshmallow forest, but that's another story for another day)

Anyway, while discussing romantic interests with a friend (who shall remain nameless but has access to this website which obviously severely narrows the pool) the other day, I had a sort of mini revelation. And I do stress MINI. This is not exactly on the level of Paul on the road to Damascus. For that matter, it's not even on par with the guy at Wonder Bread who said "Hey! I wonder if people would like this to be SLICED!" But I digress.....

I realized that though I have had many crushes in my life, they almost never really progress to anything of note. There are many possible reasons for this.

1. My apparent natural reaction to a crush as a teenager was to immediately begin to ignore the object of my affection lest that someone suspect that his unfortunate nerdiness had caught my eye. (and we'll just pretend that this has changed in my adulthood for now, OK? No need to get to REAL here)

2. As a child my parents had me innoculated against romance. Therefore, if any possible romantic situations approach, my immunities kick into gear-- producing stupid comments, lots of blushing, general confusion and even a little hostility on occasion.

3. My general beauty, intelligence, fierce wit and all around awesomeness just intimidates too many guys for me to ever have a chance at a lasting relationship.


While some of these may or may not be true, I've realized there is one important factor I'd never really thought about

4. Time after time I have gone after boys who will someday grown into a GUY instead of boys who will someday grown into a MAN. Or to use my new super fun "mini revelation" wording, I've had Guy Crushes = Gushes instead of Man Crushes= Mushes. And now that I am a super awesome adult, I feel that I am drowning in a world of Gushes-- not only my own but my friends' as well.

Do you think it's a coincidence that Mush and Maturity both start with an M?

I think not!

A Life with a View

We all get trapped in endless cycles of frustration that build over time....exploding then hardening like an active volcano, slowly growing into a mountain in your heart.

There must be another way to grow.

Some people live their lives by the Big Bang and Evolution Theory. They wait for the cataclysmic event to just happen out of nowhere and give them sudden meaning. And from that explosion, they think that with very little forethought their lives will morph and change and grow into what it is supposed to be.

A world that is not created means a life that was not created. An accidental world begets generations of people living accidental lives.

I choose to see the meaning.

An Observation

Having someone tell you that you are smart for doing something painfully obvious is almost worse than being called stupid.

A Day With Susan: Entertaining to No One But Me....?

 -----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:46 PM
To:     Sarah
Subject:        smells
>
> The bathroom smells like bubble gum again....


----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:46 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> I think you have been hanging around me too much


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:47 PM
To:     Sarah
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> That could be true but not the cause of the bathroom smelling like bubble gum.  Did you go take a sniff?


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:48 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> Ok. You need to reread your email and do it now.
>
> Done?
>
> Ok, let's review......you  just asked me to go sniff the bathroom.


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:50 PM>
To:     Sarah
Subject:        RE: smells
>
>LOL.....seriously LOL!!
>
> What?  I'm just saying.  Still LOL!!!


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:51 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> Yes, I clearly get what your saying. I just wanted YOU to get what you were saying.
>
> Dork.


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:53 PM
To:     Sarah
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> I knew what I was saying!  It still smells like bubble gum.
>
> How is it that people don't think I want them to use my new box so they don't have to come back here!


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:54 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> They probably don't a) realize you have one or b) forget you do or c) love you more than you could ever realize


 -----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:57 PM
To:     Sarah
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> They a) know I have one b/c they ask if they should put it in the box or bring it in here b) refer to a and c) WHATEVER!
>


-----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:59 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: smells
>
> Well you need to remember that a) people have short attention spans and that b) your box probably doesn't feel homey enough and maybe you should make a little mini welcome mat for it and c) that's not the way to put off positive vibes about ourselves, now is it?


----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 3:01 PM
To:     Sarah
Subject:        This is fun!
>
> All semi-good points but a) that really isn't an excuse b) that would be hilarious if I did and c) I'm not really worried about the reactions to my "vibes" at work!

-----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 3:04 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: This is fun!
>
> Thank you for your affirmation, however a) sometimes reality likes to show you who's boss (and it ain't Tony Danza) and b) it would be like a little House Mouse could come and hang out at your mailbox not to mention that c) you are a big, svelte liar.


-----Original Message-----
From:   Susan
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 3:06 PM
To:     Sarah
Subject:        RE: This is fun!
>
> I'm out!  That is just too funny to compete with!!
>
> Still laughing!!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


-----Original Message-----
From:   Sarah
Sent:   Tuesday, March 22, 2005 3:55 PM
To:     Susan
Subject:        RE: LOL...LOL....LOL
>
>   Yeah, I for one am not the most in the loop person ever.
>
>  Of course when it involves 30 year olds trying to get their gossip straight, that doesn't really break my heart.

 -----Original Message-----
From:         Susan
Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 3:56 PM
To:   Sarah
Subject:      RE: LOL...LOL....LOL
>
> I would totally agree with that!!
>
> Preach it, sister!!


 -----Original Message-----
From:         Sarah
Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 4:01 PM
To:   Susan
Subject:      RE: LOL...LOL....LOL
>
> And 'lo on that day, when the sun comes rising over the hills.........and we are all together in the fields of love......the men shall rise up and say "I WILL be emotionally mature. I WILL think before I speak. I WILL be honest about what I'm feeling." And on that day, there will be a great rejoicing in the streets. And the women will weep tears of joy for the days to come......

 

Revelate

Everyone has reached that point when the absolutely know something in a crystal clear way they have never seen before. For some unfathomable reason, a cloud lifts.... the mist clears... and a light from above illuminates the old shadows that never wanted to leave.

It's like that moment when sitting with an old friend, you realize that they don't know you at all any more. Sometimes all it takes is one misguided sentence to reveal the gap of years gone by. You could never summarize or even recognize all the changes you have gone through or the growth in your spirit…but in the blink of someone else's eye, you see what they can't see about you. And in that instance, you know that the time of your friendship is over and nothing can ever return it to the way it was.

...with that deviant behavior

I love taking personality tests. I've determined that I am an idealist with a predisposition to psychic abilities. If I were a color I'd be a purple, and if I were a muppet, I'd be Kermit. I can tell you what kind of painting I would be (Monet's Waterlillies), and I also know that if I were a villain in a James Bond movie, I'd be killing people with flaming shishkabobs. Oh, and apparently my aura is gold.

I don't know what my obsession with personality tests suggests, but I'm sure I could find a quiz that would tell me.


P.S. To the man I saw today with the bumper sticker that said "Pure Evil!" and the vanity plate that said "Evil 1"-- I would like to say that you have put Tammy Tightpants to shame. I've never been so scared in all my life. You and your scary Ford Truck are clearly meant to be feared.

(And yes Susan, that was meant in green font)

It's A Time Machine!

I just finished reading "The Time Traveller's Wife" and it made me think about my own childhood. And now I invite you to travel with me...back in time to visit my 10 year old, diary writing self. It is October, 1987..........



*****************
"Today started off great. But of course Steph ruined my life! Me and Kelly (the double crosser) said she had an idea. She said that we could teach Steph about not being wanted and interrupting. She said I could go home and she'd have Steph over and I would come over and she would be mean and rude to Steph. Turns out she decides to back out and is so nice to Steph it would make you sick and she so rude and mean to me it would make you sick. Then her and Steph say they want to go to Kmart! And they ask me if I want to come in a mean voice. I said sure if you don't mind walking! But they said OH NO we don't want to walk. I guess you can't come and walked off! And that's what I call rude. Kelly is just a two faced pig who can't even see through Steph. Her other friend Anne is OKAY but Steph is such a baby. She has to take a nap and she talks like a three year old. And she gets 20 dollars allowance. When Kelly gets back I'll give her a piece of my mind. Next she'll be saying "make room for buetiful princess Kelly." She should be saying making room for two faced hog nose Kelly! We got a new T.V. It's huge!"

*****************


I don't know what's more disturbing about that entry-- that I was so eager to go along with Kelly's plan to be mean to Steph (though I have to say that she was a rather wretched little girl-- at 27 I still remember that and feel the need to rationalize my poor behavior) or my ability to switch from calling my "best friend" a quite impressive name to talking about our new TV without batting an eye.


How about we journey forward and visit my teen self? It is now July, 1991


************
" Well, I haven't seen Point Break....yet. But tomorrow I'm going to see a different Keanu Reeves movie "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey" It's the sequel to "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". Well, next week I go to camp. And I can't say how much I'm looking forward to it! (NOT!) Today Kelly found one of the keys to my drawer. I guess I'll have to hide them better from her! She is soooooo nosey! Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that it's sooooo obnoxious! But hey, people say I'm nosey too......Well, the school year is fast approaching, and I'm not looking forward to it! I mean, I've never even been on a date......You know what I just thought of, if I die sometime soon Mom or Dad will probably read this. Depressing thought, huh!?!! Jeesh, I really hope I don't die before I'm old. But then again-- what if I'm an old maid, who never gets married!?!! Well, I still wouldn't want to die! Wait a minute- why am I even talking about death- How depressing!"
************


At least I decided that I wouldn't want to die if I was an Old Maid.....sort of........

Shock Me Shock Me Shock Me

Have you ever seen someone who just seemed utterly trapped in their life? You watch them sit in a dark room with no interest in what is on the TV in front of them. You watch them gaze out a window without the slightest appreciation for the view it holds. You watch them stare at themselves in the mirror and wonder what they see looking back at them.

People are dealt a million different hands in life but what do you do with someone who just lays down the cards without a second glance? You can't make someone care about the game. You can't make someone care about themselves....and you definately can't make them care about you.

Savory Does Not Apply To You OR Your Car

Here's a tip-- if the name of something you are buying starts with "Vanity" and ends with "Plate" then it's a pretty safe bet you probably should just leave it on the shelf at the DMV.

Maybe my memory is faulty, but it seems to me that when I was younger the personalized license plate wasn't all that common. Sure, you had your occasional spoiled housewife who felt the need to declare to the world that her new minivan was "DEBSTOY". And if you were in a small town, you were going to run into the occiasonal idiot that feels the need to let you know that "ILUVGUNS". But most sane people had their boring old car tags that made no sense.

Sadly there seems to be an unfortunate trend these days of anyone and everyone having a personalized car tag.

For example, you have Kenny Cashcow, proud new owner of a Hummer. Now, this is great news for Kenny who clearly has money to burn and a strong disdain for our natural resources. What better way to celebrate that than paying the government extra money for a little tin tag that says "MYHUMMR"? I mean, I realize the car says HUMMER about 50 times in different places on the body, but if you hadn't added that important vanity plate, I might never have realized that you-- the person sitting behind the wheel-- are in fact the proud owner. Well done, Kenny. Well done.

And then you have Tammy Tightpants who is so cool that she has to pay the DMV to tell you that she's a "WLDGRL" Good thing she put that on the back of her Chevy Cavalier, because otherwise I might never have noticed and given her the wide-eyed respect that she's so clearly due. She's a WIlDGIRL! Who am I to question the fact that she's smoking, talking on a cell phone and letting her five year old climb all over her front seat while she drives 80 down the freeway? Oh to be like Tammy. A girl can only dream.

The Truths of Boardwalk

Monopoly brings out the worst in people. I don't care who you are or how good your general attitude is in life. Someone puts little pieces of paper money in your hand and little cardboard cut outs of pretend properties, and an otherwise generous, loving person becomes the Donald Trump of their living room.

Ladies Night Out: Year 27

The Enigma That Is Me: January 2005


I know an unusally large number of single women. I don't know if that says more about me, them, or the men in our lives. (and by "men in our lives" I am being generous and including anyone who might possibly walk by)

When I was growing up, I didn't get boys at all (and by that I mean understand boys-- but to be honest, I didn't GET them either, so read it however you want). I didn't really understand why they liked to pretend to shoot each other. I never understood why taping our dog's ears together was a riotous good time. And I really never understood why they were mean to both the girls they liked and didn't like-- and we were supposed to somehow be able to tell the difference.

As I got older and started to believe that I did, in fact, know EVERYTHING-- I thought I had boys pretty well figured out. They liked to pretend to shoot each other because it made them feel adventerous. They liked to tape the dog's ears together because it made them feel powerful. And they were mean to the girls they didn't like to try and get a laugh out of the girls they did. Those were the keys-- Adventure, Power, and Laughter. Basically? It all boiled down to the fact that boys were attention whores.

Now I'm back in the camp of not understanding the boys who are now men (or at least should be, but that's another post for another day). Are they still attention whores? Well, some of them are. But then-- some of my female friends are as well. Do they like adventure? Some of them do.

But what I didn't understand until more recently is that some of them would much rather have the semblance of adventure than a real one-- and that's something a lot of us have in common at one point or another.

I suppose I should find the common ground reassuring, but I don't.

It's Not Denial

For as long as I can remember, I've had the desire to be an enigma. And for as long as I can remember, my friends have been telling me that I have no hope of being mysterious......ever. I guess the impulse to do this is just further evidence that they're right and I'm wrong.



P.S. I hate 7th Heaven