You'll Thank Me For This Some Day: Part 1

If there has been one phrase that I have heard on a consistent basis since I was 12 years old, it would be some variation on one of these:

"What is WRONG with him?" or "What was he THINKING?" or "Why did he DO that?" or my personal favorite "On what planet would any male think that was acceptable behavior?"

In short-- for all of the complaining that men do about women and how complex, evil, mean, (fill in the blank with your favorite complaint here) we are....the fact of the matter is that there is almost always logic to what we do. It might be mean logic, or self-absorbed logic, or clueless logic, or manipulative logic-- but chances are there's a method to our madness. Men, however, have been known to exhibit quite bizarre behavior for no real reason that is discernible to the female eye (and trust me, if there is a angle to be analyzed, we WILL cover it).

But I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that there must be a way to decode that behavior. And even if there isn't a way to decode it, there has to at least be a way to classify it. And so in the name of all of my dear, sweet estrogen-filled friends who have been driven crazy by the opposite sex, I now present.....

The Hardly Begins to Scratch the Surface of It Guide to Men's Emotional Diseases: A Guide for Single and Married Woman Alike.


~F.A.D.D.~ (Female attention Deficit Disorder)

This condition is closely related to the more commonly known condition of Attention Deficit Disorder. It manifests itself in men as an inability to focus on one female for more than 2-3 weeks at a time. For a short time, their attention is intense and focused on the subject, but before long they are bouncing to the next female in line. Some woman are tempted to take this personally, feeling that an interest in what they have to say one day should indicate an interest in what they are going to have to say tomorrow as well. However, it is important to remember that men afflicted with F.A.D.D. cannot be held responsible for this (what could be termed as jerkiness under normal circumstances) behavior. Inconstancy is their curse. Large doses of vitamins and dramatic scenes of attention-demanding have been known to improve this condition in the short term. However, the only long term cure for F.A.D.D. is a large injection of a new drug called Emotional Maturity. Due to the time and effort involved in making this product, however, it is still relatively difficult to find in the market place.

~Emotaphobia~

An extreme fear of expressing and receiving genuine emotion. While much has been made of the condition of "Commitmentaphobia" of the years, little has been known about Emotaphobia which is often the true root condition. Not much is known about the origins of this disorder, but it is estimated that 1 in 3 males have at the very least a mild version of this condition. Common warning signs include inappropriate joking during break ups, a punch on the shoulder instead of a hug when parting for long periods, and long winded explanations of obscure video games when you mention the word "relationship". Scientists have found that immersion therapy works best for mild versions of this disorder, including long walks in the park and repeated viewing of "Beaches".

~Social Bi-Polar Disorder~

A disorder that is characterized by alternating periods of manic attention and extreme disinterest in a specific member of the opposite sex. The two most common street names of this condition are "M&M" (the Mr. Maybe Syndrome) and the Yo-Yo Factor. The names are apt, as victims of this disease suffer from an imbalance that makes them physically incapable of making up their minds as to whether or not they want to date someone. Unfortunately, there is no known cure for this disorder. However, ear plugs for the women have been found to be effective in some situations.

~D.D.I.D. ~ (Dissociative Dating Identity Disorder)

A dissociative mental disorder related to dating in which two or more distinct personalities exist within the same individual. This condition often manifests when a male moves from "friend" mode to "date" mode. A subject suffering from this disorder can be considered a kind, thoughtful, and attentive friend and yet turn into the opposite when dating. Diagnosis and treatment are difficult as men are quite often completely unaware when the conflicting personality takes over. Various solutions have been tried over the years with little to no success. Some women cling to the old wive's tale that claims a good smack upside the head can "knock the jerkiness out", but recent studies have proven this assertion to be dubious in nature.



To Be Continued......