I've been thinking lately about how different people are when it comes to letting others into their lives. How do we pick the people we let in? There's no automatic default when it comes to something like that-- even family is ultimately subject to whatever "test" we've come up with to determine whom we trust with our thoughts, time, words, worries..... the list goes on and on. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you let them in. I have some friends who view their parents as good friends...and others who view them as the people who happened to raise them but could never possibly understand them. Some people can't imagine life without their siblngs and others see them as a stranger they happen to share DNA with.
So why do we let certain people in while keeping others at bay? Is it an instinctual thing? Is it a checklist we go through without even realizing it? I've been trying to understand why I trust certain people immediately while others have to earn it....and why even after some people prove over and over that they DON'T deserve it, I still have the impulse to extend it anyway. Or maybe my real question is why do I WANT to trust some people even when they've proven I shouldn't? Part of me thinks that it is a refusal to accept what I don't want to be true. We rationalize behavior we can't understand to try and turn it into something relatable.....maybe so that we don't have to believe that we misplaced our trust in the first place. Mistakes are hard enough to accept, let alone if the mistake is a person.
January 21, 2007
A Rambling Question With No Real Answers
Posted by Sarah at 9:04 PM
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6 comments:
I think you let me in simply because you felt sorry for me.
Bobby
What an odd thought. I know that you aren't serious...but you've got me thinking about whether or not I've ever actually done that.
Hm....
There is a certain woman that I used to go to church with, and although she is a nice woman (and thoughtful), I never felt the need to get beyond the surface with her. We never became close in our years of knowing each other (she has since moved). I really, really hope I don't sound like a snob here - but I didn't click with her enough, didn't like her enough, to let her in. Her personality just didn't reach out and "grab" me. And for all I know, she didn't WANT to be "in" with me! I'm not one to assume that everyone wants to be my best friend. :)
And nothing says we have to be close friends with everyone, right? Right?
Excellent post, S (as always).
I think you are on to something when you say that wanting and extending trust to people who clearly don't want it, deserve it, and/or abuse it, is more about US wanting something to be true that just isn't. Hope is so often so hard to give up.
For me, I am not a person who naturally has "walls" that must be torn down. I am inherently more open, I think. But, I have had the thought lately that a key ingredient (the "test") of trusting another person lies in whether or not I believe I will feel judgement from them. I suppose that is pretty universal, though.
I find it interesting that I don't trust my family with my most private thoughts and struggles, although I love them very much. I think that is all about protection--just as they want to protect me from anything negative and painful, by not sharing, I am trying to protect them because I know they love me and any pain I have would cause them grief. It is a weird cycle, now that I write it. Strange but true. Thank goodness they don't read blogs :)
I really hope I break this cycle with my girls. I don't want to be their "best friend,"--that role should belong to another--but I want to be a safe place of understanding, love, comfort and compassion for them always. I want to really KNOW them. (interesting how I know my mom wants this, too).
Katie, is has been interesting to me that throughout all of my moving that I have found that people I have "clicked" with are very often people very different from myself (in terms of age, stage of life, etc.) I have so often wondered why I could not click with the girl at church that "looked" so much like me and seemed to live my same life.
I have come to know that we certainly cannot be close friends with everyone--in fact, close friends are really rare.
Thanks, Laurie. It is true, we can't be close friends with everyone, and that's okay. We are called to love everyone, but that doesn't mean we have to be best friends with them. :)
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