fascists in the attic

So I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately....the phases it goes through, why the ones you think will last rarely do, and how often our friendships are more about ourselves than our friends.

Uneven friendships have always annoyed me. I remember getting into one of my first real arguments with a friend when I was little because I realized that I had her over to stay the night all the time-- while she had never asked me once. Until she yelled the words at me, the thought never occurred to me that she might be embarrassed to have me over to her trailer when I lived in a big house. All I saw was the fear that I cared more than she did.

You'd think we'd outgrow the tit for tat friendship trap once we mature....but it just morphs into different forms of measuring. You have a friend you love, and you want to know how they are doing. But you don't call them. Why? Because last month you called them three times and they only left you a message once and that was after you had called them. So you forego the conversation with someone you've known for 10 years because of a phone tally.

No one likes being in a relationship that is all about one person. At what point do we decide that our own needs are more important than the needs of everyone else? If someone is constantly talking about themselves and their life it's irritating. After all-- what's more annoying than a self-absorbed person who is clueless about the fact that everything is always about them? I get so caught up in being annoyed that I forget that there is always a reason for people's words and actions. The thought that they don't care about me or my feelings hurts me. And then I'm right back to where I was when I was little and the fear that I care more than they do.

So why do we get to the point where we never ask why? How do you maintain any sort of relationship with someone you are afraid to talk to-- afraid to tell how you feel-- afraid to show your emotions to? Why do so many people exist in emotional stalemates they pretend are friendships?