I Promised (Part Two)

And we bring you the thrilling conclusion to the saga of Harold and The Andrews Sisters

I Promised (Part One)

Meredith had her heart set on this being on the internet SOMEWHERE.

This is what happens when there is a sleepover, a webcam, and special effects that must be tried out.

The Story

The Setting:
After Work--Walmart--Frozen Food Aisle


A young(ish) woman stands pondering the frozen treats section wishing she wasn't at Walmart at all, but knowing she has to be there because her 9 year old niece actually took the time to email her AT WORK to make sure she was planning on buying "break and bake" cookies for their sleepover the following night.

Youngish Woman: (stares at ice cream)

Short Creepy Dude: (walks by....stops...doubles back)

Youngish Woman: (sees short creepy dude out of the corner of her eye and really hopes that all the sudden staring means he's really really into frozen dairy products)

Short Creepy Dude: (walks up, walks around the back of youngish woman, and grins)

Youngish Woman: (internally sighs and stares intently at the ice cream as if the label on Chunky Monkey is going to reveal all of life's mysteries to her)

Short Creepy Dude: "Hello, Lady."

Youngish Woman: (can't help but immediately think of Andre the Giant's character in The Princess Bride even though the guy that is talking to her must be 5'2" at best)

Short Creepy Dude: "Do you live here in this city?"

Youngish Woman: (still not talking, but nods slightly and tries to figure out if she has ever heard that kind of accent before)

Short Creepy Dude: (smiles) "I admire your beauty."

Youngish Woman: "Uh, thanks" (cause really-- no matter how creepy the dude is, how can you not say thanks to THAT?)

Short Creepy Dude: (visibly encouraged by actual words) "So, do you live here?"

Youngish Woman: (nods without looking away from the ice cream and wonders why this guy's gums are so, so red...that can't be healthy.)

Short Creepy Dude: "Where do you live? Around here? Where?" (looks around as if he is going to suddenly see her house revealed in all it's glory)

Youngish Woman: (sees no recourse but to tell a very obvious lie) "I live over there with my husband." (points with her ringless left hand towards the general direction of the pharmacy section)

Short Creepy Dude: (loses his grin for the first time and nods.....stands there for a minute and then finally walks off)

A Suggestion

There seems to be an epidemic of people at my condo complex buying a certain unfortunate product. And this might seem ungracious, but with my birthday coming up, I just want to take the time to put a thought out in the universe:

There is not now, nor will there ever be in the future, a point at which I want to be given any sort of WIND CHIME. I mean, maybe if you live in the most serene and still place on the planet with only the occasional breeze to blow through them gently so that they emit a nice tune, I could see the potential.

But this is OKLAHOMA. We have gale force winds MOST OF THE TIME. If you hang up a WIND CHIME on your porch, it is basically the equivalent of hiring a Salvation Army Bell Ringer to stand outside your front door who will never give up on getting your spare change and will forever be ringing his bell. Loudly.

Personality Test Extravaganza

So, I just found an old blog entry where I took the "Ultimate Personality Test" 5 years ago. Turns out? Not that much has changed. Here's the same old result as last time:

A SEER
You are exactly what your name implies. You see what other people miss. You are the intellectual of the personality types as well as the philosopher. You possess a cool and rational nature and take things in stride. You are concerned with the "big picture" and always know what is going on. You know people better than they know themselves and it makes them nervous sometimes. You know exactly what people don't want you to know about them, but fortunately you are a pacifist and don't (usually) use it against them. But take care not to get to detached through the lens of that powerful microscope of yours. You can be a little cool towards people and you sometimes need to remember that you have a heart as well as a brain.


A little good a little bad I guess?

All The Single Ladies

The other day I was thinking that this is the first year I am truly, truly happy to not have a date for Valentine's Day. (Long story. Not going into it.) Anyhoo-- that got me to thinking about the OTHER things I like about being single. And though we've covered some of this before, I thought what better way to celebrate the 14th of February than to give a shout out (yeah, that's right-- I said SHOUT OUT. Deal with it) to all my single friends and remind them (and me) of many of the lovely things about our lives as they are RIGHT NOW.

And so, may I present to you my list of awesome things about being single:

1. You don't share your remote control with anyone

2. You can sleep on any side of your bed that you want

3. You can spend $80 on a haircut and not have to explain it to ANYONE

4. You have complete control over your thermostat

5. You can go to NBA games and talk about the relative hotness of various players and not worry about insulting anyone. (Not that I've EVER done this, mind you)

6. You can decide to go on trips wherever you want and not worry about anyone else feeling "left out"

7. When you are tired and cranky and have had a horrible day, you can go home to a completely silent house and not have to talk to anyone if you don't want to

8. You don't have to worry about anyone drinking the rest of the Dr. Pepper you have sitting in the fridge

9. You can flirt with security guards to try and get special treatment without offending anyone (again, not that I have ever done that...)

10. There is no one to tell you that you really need to balance your checkbook so they know how much money is left in the account

11. You can cut your hair as short as you want

12. You don't have to wash anyone's underwear but your own

13. You have no in-laws (for better OR for worse)

14. You can spend every last holiday wherever you please

15. You don't have to pay for the extra ESPN tier on your digital cable package

16. There is no one to judge how much you may or may not pay for your hair products

17. You can let your Dad pay for dinner without hurting anyone's ego (assuming you don't have one of your own, anyway. I won't lie-- I do this one every time I am home. Thanks Dad!)

18. There is no one to wonder why you need to own 10 scarves

19. If you are a blanket hog, it impacts exactly NO ONE

20. NO SNORING


I'm sure's there are more-- but that's what I've got off the top of my head.

Happy Single Liberation Day Ladies!!

The Great Debate: South American Dictator vs Radio DJ

Question: Which would be worse? Being married to a South American Dictator OR Being married to a Radio DJ?


*South American Dictator

Pro:

1. I would never have to hear my husband complain about the people at work who are treating him badly (off with their heads!)

2. One presumes that I would have many, many pairs of shoes (and not the Payless kind)

3. All of my cars would have tinted windows and bullet proof glass (that's right, HUMMER, I'm looking at you!)

4. I would have control over everything that aired on the television

5. I would never have to do my taxes


Con

1. I would likely be married to a man with a mustache

2. Having a husband who executes people makes it hard to make new friends (or keep old ones, for that matter)

3. Travel options would be limited (since you never know when a coup might just erupt)

4. All of my cars would NEED to be bullet proof

5. My husband would probably be shorter than me since dictators tend to be TINY little men.



Radio DJ


Pro:

1. Free Music and Concerts

2. Uhm.....yeah. Free music and concerts are pretty much all I've got


Con:

1. I'd be married to someone who gets paid to listen to themselves talk. ALL DAY.

2. How can you successfully argue with someone who is using that stupid ANNOUNCER voice that makes it sound like people are winking and shooting finger guns at you even when they are doing nothing but telling you that you should have unloaded the dishwasher?

3. I'd end up with a garage full of stupid Coke koozies with Z100!! HOME OF THE HARD ROCKING 80's! or some other stupid logo on it. (And no one would ever buy them in my garage sales)

4. What if he was a DJ for a hardcore down-home country station and the only free music I ended up with was a Merle Haggard Greatest Hits CD?

5. Or worse, what if he's a DJ for a hardcore rap station and my husband spends his day playing songs like "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp"?




So......VERDICT anyone??

A Dilemma

Today (while in a conversation about it) someone asked me if I have ever considered liposuction-- and I was torn between feeling insulted that they thought I needed it and flattered that they thought I could afford it.

I went with flattered.

Hmmm.....

Today I flirted with someone by accusing him of killing butterflies.

On an unrelated note-- anyone wonder why I'm still single?

Either/Or

There is sometimes a rather large difference between how I'd like to see my personality and the reality of how I actually am......

Example #1

The Delusion: I am an enigma

The Reality: I will only succeed in being mysterious when and if I ever learn to quit telling people stories about the stupid things I do.


Example #2

The Delusion: Somewhere deep inside me I have the capability of getting organized and staying that way

The Reality: Being organized is totally tedious and I would much rather watch episodes of Supernatural on my DVR


Example #3

The Delusion: I'm a person who makes To-Do lists and then promptly gets things done

The Reality: I'm a person who makes To-Do lists but is sure to include a few things I've already done so I can cross them off and get credit for what I did BEFORE I made the list (even though no one but me will ever see it)


Example #4


The Delusion: I pack at the last minute for trips because I am a terribly busy and important person

The Reality: I pack at the last minute for trips because reading just one more chapter of my library book is way more entertaining than deciding how many cardigans to take to China.



Example #5


The Delusion: People (like me) who procrastinate only do so because they are masters of time management and just don't need as long as everyone else to get things done.


The Reality: People (like me) who procrastinate don't really worry about figuring out WHY they procrastinate because there is PLENTY of time to figure that out later.

Whoops

So today while I was walking down the hall at work I had a brilliant idea for the perfect blog post. It was pithy and interesting and vague-- perfect food for thought. Of course, by the time I got back to my desk, I had completely forgotten the whole thing.

And that's my problem with blogging. I don't have kids to tell funny stories about (though I do occasionally borrow my nieces and nephews), I don't have interesting hobbies to make a "theme" blog about (aka COUPON!Lady or COOKINGLady! or LEARNINGFOREIGNLANGUAGESLady!), and half the time there are things I could write LOOONG blogs about-- but I can't because I don't know who might read this blog.

And that means, no talking about:

1. Boys
2. Work
3. What I really think about 60% of what happens


You can see why blogging regularly might be a problem.

Things I Learned At An NBA Game

*It is now my belief that everyone in the world can be classified into 2 camps: Those that are thrilled to find themselves on the Jumbotron and those that would rather crawl under their seat. (Guess which one I am?)


*The things that people will do just for the CHANCE at a free t-shirt truly, truly frightens me. Is your dignity really not worth the $15 it would take to buy that shirt online?


*I still think Nick Collison needs to give me a call. Think about it, Nick. (Cheryl tried to say that they took you out of the game because you weren't playing well, but just ignore her. She really has no idea what she is talking about!)


*Never get the chicken finger basket. You'll hate yourself about 5 minutes after you finish. And NOT in the "That was so good, I hate myself" kind of way....more in the "That was gross and I can't believe I payed $7 for that" kind of way.


*If you text your brother to ask him important questions about a member of the opposing team, chances are he will ignore your text and leave you wondering just WHY you recognize Stephen Curry. And you will never, ever get an answer.


*If the person you go to the game with is sitting in front of you instead of next to you, it is quite easy to convince everyone around you that you are a crazy person who talks to yourself the entire game (Instead of the truth-- which is that you are addressing the back of the head of your friend who may or may not hear about half of what you are saying, but you say it anyway).

Questions of the Day

1. Is it wrong to want to TAKE DOWN the 6 year old who keeps shooting you in Laser Tag?

2. Is it worse if the aforementioned brat is a small child you don't know?

3. Do loud people (that I may or may not work with) sound as loud in their own heads as they do to the rest of us?

4. Why do soft things (like bread) get hard when they get too old but hard things (like celery) get soft when they are too old?

5. Is it weirder that I currently have 6 jars of peanut butter in my cabinet or that I think the military should send soldiers in uniform out on missions to places like Chili's just to increase morale for the female population?

6. Should I be concerned that my 9 year old niece announced tonight that "Aunt Sarah is always a good judge of who is hot and who isn't?"

7. And do you think that made my sister wonder what I've been saying to her daughter?

8. I wonder how long I'm going to leave my blue towel taped over my fireplace?

9. Do ants ever make noise?

10. Do you think God told Adam how to milk a cow? If not, who was the first person to try it?

Rumors of My Blog's Death Are Highly Exaggerated

Yes, yes I know. I have been a terrible, terrible blog caretaker for quite awhile now. And I know all 5 of you have been very, very sad about it.

No stories about weirdos at Walmart...

No complaints about the bacon in Hong Kong...

No tales of pantless men on international flights...

No unnecessary comparisons of rotisserie chicken to unicorns.....


How have you all survived? Tis a mystery! But I am sure you will be SUPER relieved to hear that updating my blog on a regular basis is one of my New Years resolutions. (The other one is to make myself drink V8 until I like it)

Some of you might be tempted to point out that it is now January 20-- so I seem to be a little late in getting this resolution going. To that I say this: Uhm-- you people know me, right? Cause no one who knows me would be surprised that I am starting my New Years resolution nearly a month AFTER New Years.

Duh.

When I'm Too Lazy To Type....

This is what you get:

Part One:





Part Two:





And if anyone cares to compare:

The Pretty People

There are some people that seem to have a strange ability-- no, let's be honest... it really is more of a superpower. A superpower that defies description....one that no woman in the world would refuse. What is this magical gift they have been granted, you ask? They are able to look the same after work as they do in the morning. These gifted people are able to end the day with the same amount of makeup on as when they first left their bathrooms. Their hair stays in the same basic position all day long.

They don't wilt.
They don't perspire.
They don't get rings of mascara and eyeliner that seep into their eye wrinkles.
They don't forget they have eye makeup on (after some 12 years of wearing it regularly) and rub their eyes.
They can walk around Hong Kong looking chic and cool at any hour of the day.
They can spend 14 hours on a plane and look no worse for the wear.



I? Am not one of those people.

Thoughts from The East

*We were almost treated to a taxi driver brawl at the Yiwu airport the other night because the driver at the front of the queue didn't want to take the Chinese man who was first in line.... he wanted the "foreigner" behind him. (I'm trying to picture THAT happening in New York City) Also, since Chinese men often sound (to me) like they are fighting when they are just having normal conversations-- you should hear a group of 10 of them when they really ARE furious! I'm still mad that my camera was in my suitcase where I couldn't get it. What I wouldn't give to have video. It was highly entertaining.


*It is possible that I have seen more Australians today in Hong Kong than actual Hong Kong residents.

*As we were walking the Jewelry Show today, my boss mentioned that he thought he was going to have to change his style for the next trip. When I asked him what he meant, he gestured towards a group of well dressed men and said "I guess you have to dress like a gay man." My response? "They aren't gay.... they're Italian."


*Speaking of Italians, I wonder at what point my boss is going to start thinking that me pointing out hot men to the other buyers is unprofessional.

In Case You Wondered

I can apparently no longer access my blog while in mainland China. Also? Facebook seems to be off limits. Weird.
I'll post more later, but am too tired write now to update on the trip much. I'm attaching proof-- here's what I look like at the end of the day over here...

This is How I Know I'm Old

Since she was old enough to know what a wedding is, my niece, Anna, has asked me about once or twice a year the following question:

"Aunt Sarah, if you ever meet a boy you like enough and decide to get married-- can I be a flower girl?"

She's 9 now (almost 10) and when she was here last month the question changed to:

"Aunt Sarah, if you ever meet a boy you like enough to marry-- can I be a bridesmaid??"

I told her she would have to duke it out with my friend, Katie. :-)

Conversation of the Day

Me: "So, Meredith-- are you ever going to tell me about your crush?"

Meredith: "I'm not telling you who I have a crush on!"

Me: "Oh come on! I'm your aunt! This is the stuff you are supposed to tell me."

Meredith: "Uhm, yeah. You're my aunt with a Blog AND a Facebook page! I'm not telling you!"