Deconstructing Yourself

I've been wondering lately how much of a virtue it is to be a direct person. It's something that I value in people, and it's something that I value in myself. But the more I look at the relationships around me, it doesn't always seem that being direct is what people have come to expect or want-- even when it comes to dealing with their own life.

I read a quote from an actor yesterday that's been banging around in my head all day today. He said that while growing up he had spent so much time doing what was expected of him that he forgot to figure out what he expected of himself....and he then had to spend his 20s dismantling the "budding bureaucrat" that he had become. I think that rang so true with me because it seems like many children who grow up in households of high expectations (whether they be religious, moral, social, educational...) lose themselves into a life that is not of their own choosing. Obviously the answer is not to have low expectations of your children. If modern American society has taught us nothing else, it's proven that children need parents more than good friends who happen to have given them life. But somewhere along the way, we forget that just because we helped create a life-- that life does not become a command performance. (And sometimes the loudest commands are never spoken.)

So what does this have to do with my pondering about the virtue of being direct? Nothing. Nothing and everything.

(and the irony of not spelling it out has not escaped my attention)

Random Thought #3

How many people are willing to live with the certainty of regret because they are so much more afraid of the unknown?

Random (cliche) Thoughts: Volume 2

We make so many little decisions in our lives that seem unimportant....so inconsequential. But the thing about all of those little decisions is that you never know which little decision is going multiply until it infiltrates every corner of your life.

Every choice is a step leading you somewhere. The question is: Where do you want to go??

Katie's "sick of the nap post"

I was told to just start posting random thoughts. So here you go

Random Thought #1:

I think some people fall in love with the idea of love as an escape. If someone else loves them and wants to learn to get to know them, it saves them the trouble of having to get to know themselves.

Sunday Afternoon Naps

(This is a post written a few weeks ago that I never got around to posting. And Katie wants a post....so a post she will get)


I am not a nap taker.

The story goes that when I was little, and I would get sleepy, I would just put myself down for a nap. I have no idea if that is true or not, but as it is-- I no longer do that. I will waste time a million different ways during the day, but I don't like to sleep. In some ways-- it sort of feels like rebooting my computer in the middle of the day-- it takes me awhile to get back in the gear of things.

I have no idea why I am bothering to share any of this except for the fact that I just woke up from a nap. I fell asleep on the couch right after finishing a hilarious book about being a Christian, being single, travelling, and figuring out your life. And so my brain has been rebooted in the middle of the day with those things on my mind. And that's a dangerous combo.

As the previous post would suggest, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the things we tell ourselves, the things we tell other people, and the "truth"-- and how a lot of times there is a fair bit of gray area between all of those things. Is a lie any better when the only one you've told it to is yourself?

It occurred to me today that you can tell someone many true things without ever telling them the truth.

A Mid Week Thought

One of the most annoying things that married people say is that you will find love when you stop looking for it. And yet, every single time I have ever been hit on (for lack of a better phrase) it has happened at a time when men and/or my own attractiveness was the absolute last thing on my mind.

There's probably a lesson to be learned there, but I mostly just find it irritating. When I'm caught off guard, I do one of two things:

1. I say nothing but look slightly cross.

2. I say stupid things. Honest things..... but stupid things.

The former is just awkward. The latter is entertaining for those that know me well, but just confusing for anyone else.

(And if the situation is really extreme....the two get combined. I say stupid, honest things and look mad about it. And you wondered why I make a bad first impression.....)

Could YOU say no to this face?

I Hate To Quote Garth Brooks

I had a short but interesting conversation the other day with two friends while we were in a mall food court, of all places. The gist of it was that God has really saved us from ourselves more times than we probably even realize. But we were all able to quickly bring to mind past situations and relationships that we were so sure of at the time-- and yet in retrospect were the last thing we needed.

And it's such an obvious thing for someone who has faith-- but for some reason, I've never spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that I have a God who knows me far, far better than I know myself. I think maybe it is because I pride myself on being rather aware (for lack of a better word) of my own thoughts and feelings and the motivations behind what I do and say. I like to think I can anticipate most eventualities....but the fact is, I can't.

That's what this conversation brought home to me. There have been times in my life where I could have told you without a doubt what I wanted, what I needed. But, to paraphrase a dear friend, I was an idiot. Thankfully, God was there protecting me from myself.

But it makes me wonder-- was there a still, soft voice I was ignoring? Was there a niggling at my heart that I just refused to acknowledge? I think there have been times where I've heard that voice and let it guide me. But how many times have I ignored it because it wasn't what my heart wanted me to hear? How much pain and confusion could have been avoided?

I've always been someone who tried to follow my heart. But I've realized that there's no point in following your heart unless you've given it over to the One that created it.

In Case You Didn't Believe Me

It's Tornado Night! The Weathermen are very excited!!






I'm having trouble picking my favorite quote of the night. But for right now, I think it would have to be "Oh Boy!".

And if the house is wiped away tonight, you will know that :

a) Tornados do have access to the world wide web and
b) Tornados don't have much of a sense of humor

Will keep you updated as time and electricity allow......


Oh, and before I forget: for anyone who ever doubted, there IS a Xerox plant in this town and all storm positioning must be done around this very important land mark.

Frustration of the Day:

There's no real effective way to honk at the car behind you.

Early Morning Thought

I wore a (borrowed) watch earlier this week for the first time in about 5 years for reasons that don't merit explanation. And even though I only had it on for an hour and a half, it was enough to convince me I wouldn't mind going another 5 years without. I have no idea why it annoyed me so much, but it did. And even though I have at least one if not two perfectly functional watches, and my day would go easier today if I wore one, I'm not going to.

So there you go.

Oops

I didn't realize how long it had actually been since I posted. And even now, I'm not sure I have anything that interesting to say. The only thing of note I can point out at the moment is that I sat near a Scottish family last night. In fact, I spoke to a few members of that family--- but it was so loud I completely missed the best part of meeting someone from Scotland-- their accent. Someone else had to point it out to me. So you wouldn't think I would have had much of a reaction to it.

But....no.

I honestly don't know why-- but it made me giddy....almost hyper. Just ask my roomate who made the mistake of trying to take me through the Taco Bueno drive-thru afterwards. I was completely discombobulated by the mere presence of someone from the British Isles. It's not the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. And I have no idea why it happens.

And Here Comes 30

I didn't have a lot of expectations for my 29th birthday. But here's one thing I didn't expect:

Snow!



Color me unimpressed.

Tis The Season

Now, I know what you must be wondering.... what season? The Spring Season? The Easter Season? The March Madness Season? And to all of these, I answer.....maybe, but that's not what I am talking about.

it is now rapidly approaching what I like to call the "meteorological Freak Out Season".

Yes, it is that fine time of year when -- if you are lucky enough to live in "Tornado Alley"-- you are subjected to the hyperactive rantings of over stimulated weather men. If there is a "dustnato" anywhere in the state, they will interrupt programming to let you know. And if there is a wall cloud in sight, you can hear the drool dripping off of their chins as they talk about it on every radio station for 100 miles.

Having seen the devastation the Spring storms can bring, you would think they would be happy when no weather materializes....when a storm blows itself out without turning into more....when a funnel cloud forms but never touches down. But what never ceases to amaze me is how poorly they mask their disappointment when there is no damage. Don't get me wrong-- I appreciate what they do and would want their warning if it was just a drop of hail headed my way. What I object to is that absolutely unhinged lust they have for these storms. You can see the glint in the eyes of the weather vultures-- the adrenaline rush they get that nicely compliments the inflated self-importance.

And yes...Gary England, I'm talking to you.

A Question For the Ages

I think there must be two completely different sets of single people in the world.

I keep hearing about people who are unmarried because they are "selfish" and "self absorbed". Apparently there are entire books about people who haven't married because they can't meet anyone who lives up to some grand standard they have created in their mind....people who are so stuck on some romantic ideal that they look right past the people they see every day. And I hear about it so often, I suppose it must be true. I know there are likely a great many people who may have these issues. But you know what? I also know that a great number of them are not single. I would wager that there are just as many disatisfied married people out there who suffer the same fate. They are selfish and self-absorbed. Their spouse can't live up to the grand standard they have created in their mind. And they are so focused on a romantic ideal, they look right past the hundred of kind and thoughtful things their spouse might do for them every day.

But there's another kind of single person out there-- one that includes the vast majority of single people in their 20s or 30s that I know. These people aren't unmarried because they are picky. They aren't single because they have unrealistic expectations. And if they are a little selfish sometimes, it's mainly because they've lived on their own for a long time and it's one of the privileges. The bottom line is that they are simply looking for a connection that they just haven't found yet. That's it. No more, no less. Some people are lucky-- they find it early. And while it takes strength of character to make a marriage work, the sheer existence of it isn't some mark of worthiness. And that's what I find so tiring. There are thousands (who knows-- probably millions) of unmarried people out there who deserve more than an assumption of dysfunction. They deserve respect for the strength of character it takes to be alone in a world made for couples. As my mother taught me: the worst case of loneliness is better than the best bad marriage.

I used to waffle back and forth in my mind over whether or not friendship should be a simple thing. I guess it was kind of a silly thing to ponder-- since no matter what it should be, friendships both young and old are never simple.

When I was in grade school, the big decision was about who was going to be your "best friend". It was kind of a sacred thing, really-- an exchange of trust. And in the 80s, it was even about an exchange of jewelry in the form of the best friend necklaces that were halves of a heart. My first best friend was an interesting lesson. She wore "our" necklace around me. She wore her other best friend necklaces around her other friends. I still wonder how many she had. And even at 10, I wondered why she didn't just bother to tell me she wasn't my best friend....why she swapped half a heart with me in the first place. Even then, I would have preferred the truth.

In middle school, true friendship became a rare thing. I ate lunch in the bathroom just so I didn't have to sit by myself. It sounds pathetic, I realize--but I can laugh about quite easily now because even at the time I wasn't a tortured soul. I was kind of impressed with myself for finding a way around eating by myself in the lunch room. I didn't think of myself as someone without friends-- but looking back I felt it. I know now that what I felt was an absence of trust. I think for many, many people-- that is the ultimate lesson of junior high: trust no one. At least, no one your own age.

High school and college were different. There were many friends and there were many trusts created. Some have stood the test of time, many have not. But none of them were ever simple. And yet, the best relationships are the ones that are the easiest....the ones that don't make you try hard.....the people you don't have to constantly please. I try to reconcile those two thoughts. Isn't something easy because it's simple?

But really, I've come to believe that the converse is true. That my best relationships are easy because they are far from simple. They are complex in emotion and in thought. They are creative and impulsive and shape shifting as the years go by. They are occasionally challenging, always educational, and never silent.

The truth of the matter is, a simple friendship cannot last because it cannot change.

I've once again been reprimanded for my lack of updates. I guess we can chalk this up to a lack of things I feel compelled to comment on lately.

I'm going to see Coldplay on Monday night-- but the primary reason I bought the tickets is because Fiona Apple is opening for them. It's hard to explain why I like her music so much. Really, I can sum it up in one word: lyrics. In fact, there are lots of the songs that I love in spite of the melody. But for people who don't pay attention to the lyrics of songs, that makes no sense.

My favorite line of the week?

"I think he let me down when he didn't disappoint me"

I've always had a thing for song lyrics. When I was 12 I had a notebook that I wrote down all of the lyrics that I thought were deep and meaningful. Of course, they were mostly Bon Jovi and Billy Joel songs, but work with me. I was 12. And since this was before the days of the internet, it meant I had to listen to the songs over and over until I could get all the words down. Even then, I'm sure more than a few were wrong. But I was proud of that notebook. I never showed anyone, but I was proud of it nonetheless.

So I'm looking forward to Monday night. It will be interesting to see if the live experience enhances the meaning or distracts from it.

Griffin Reid Thomas: My New Favorite Baby

As of one hour ago, I have a new nephew.

I'm laying here in bed listening to the rain and thunder, and I can't go back to sleep because there's a new little person in the world that I love.

You have joined a crazy, wonderful family little guy, and I think I can safely promise that you will always have way more love than you know what to do with.

Griffin, I want to hold you rather badly-- but as your are way too far away for that, I will simply be content with thanking God that you are here.

January 28 just became an amazing day.

Glamour Girl Morning

So today I decided to bless you all with, uhm.....not my every thought. But I did bring my lovely camera (thanks mom! thanks dad!) along with me today to document the glamerous life a career gal.

Step one: Get up before the sun decides to





Step two: Convince myself that I am wide awake and ready to face the day by abusing the flash function on my camera










Step three: Admire the pretty sunrise and try to ignore the sight/aroma of the fabulous Purina factory











Step four: Do not yell at the struggle of a driver who does not realize he should make his truck go higher than 50 on the TURNPIKE so that your 30 minute drive to work doesn't become your 50 minute drive to work!









Step five: Remember that the entire state is one giant fire hazard and not be alarmed by the CAUTION signs that are flashing over every interstate.











Step six: Enjoy the all imporant caffeine fix that Sonic kindly provides










There now..... wasn't that interesting? Aren't you glad you spent the morning with me? Just wait for the day Susan and I document our lunch hour! That will leave you breathless.